pics.

I went to Yosemite last week to meet up with an old friend. Here are some pics!

three things.

1. I need to confess something. I am sinfully busy. I am unable to do the things that I am doing whole-heartedly (spiritually, mentally, and even physically). I am easily irritated by the kids at work, too exhausted to get into spiritual conversations with my co-workers, and I have not spent time with my neighbors in more than a week. Yesterday I went over to Monique's house after work so that we could process through some stuff from the conference, and I accidentally fell asleep on her bed (and she painted the fingernails on one of my hands  hot pink! haha!).  Also, my English grade is suffering. boo. So, yah. I am going to start praying for God to teach me about how I spend my time. 

2. Lavenya called me yesterday, but I did not call her back today :(. So today I saw her for a second, and I asked her if she needed something, and she said that she would call me tomorrow. Well, because of a "party night" at work, I will be working all day tomorrow, so I told her to call me on Sunday.  Please pray for her and her baby.

3. I just got back from a Jewish temple. I felt like Paul "reasoning in the synagogues." It was cool. I recommend going to a place of worship that is different than your own. In some ways, it will make you question what you believe and in other ways, it will definitely confirm what you believe. 

That's just a quicky update. But I gotta go do my English homework...yay Shakespeare! 

running after love

This is just me processing through some stuff. Take it or leave it. But if you leave it, go fall in love with Jesus all over again.

I took a class on I Corinthians last semester, and we had to do a spiritual retreat, meditating on I Corinthians chapter 13. We had a few questions to guide us as we meditated on the love chapter. During the retreat I was thinking so much about how I could love others better. I thought about my roommates and how I am not always patient and kind with them. Sometimes I get irritated and resentful. I realized that no matter how true my words of encouragement or rebuke may be, if I am not loving my sisters, the words that I say are received like a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.

So, yah, the retreat made me realize how little I love my neighbors (and especially my roommates). 

This weekend Monique and I went to a conference, and the style of the services were... well, ....let's just say that it was a little bit different than what I am used to. Ok, I'm just going to say it because I feel like its necessary. Ok, the services were very charismatic. Like, very. I was going through a  bit of culture shock and a bit of I'm-a-Bible-college-student-and-I-don't-do-this-therefore-it-is-wrong kind of pride.  

For two days I sat there at the conference reading and re-reading scripture and praying for God to show me the truth. Honestly, I wanted to find in my Bible where it says that they were wrong so that I could go home and not change anything that I am doing. I wanted to go home having proven a whole bunch of people wrong. I wanted to leave a little bit more confident in my theology. I did not want to let God out of the box that I have built around Him. 

Ok, so I am a Bible college student. Big deal. I do not have it all right. Back to the story: I was reading and praying and reading and praying. And pouting. I am so thankful for Monique. She was like, "Bethany, what the heck is wrong with you?" 

Ugh, I started to cave in. I can deceive myself a lot more easily than I can deceive her. I kept telling myself that I was right and that I should just keep doing the Christian things that I know are right. But she was like, "Bethany, I think that you just need to let go and open up your heart to God."

AHHH! That is the last thing that I wanted to do! When you let go, it is a lot easier to fall down. God is dangerous. And unpredictable. I like systematic theology. And quiet times in the morning. And praying for my neighbors. I like control. If I give up control to God, how will I know what is going to happen? How will I plan out every second of my life? 

As we were driving back to our campsite the second night, I did not say a word. God had just hit the chisel into my heart and it was beginning to crack open. 

I am so scared of messing up that I just go around in life on my tip-toes. If I just tip-toe around just in case I fall so that it will not hurt as bad as it would if I were running full speed. But Jesus did not die so that I would have to tip-toe around, trying not to disturb Him in His glory. But Jesus did not die so that I would have to run around full blast either. It is hard to run hard all the time (hello 3 years of cross country!) Jesus did not die so that I would run around recklessly trying to accomplish good things for him. No, Jesus died because He loves me.*   He is not a strict cross country coach forcing me to run run run at full blast, but rather a LOVING Father who delights when I run around in the back yard out of pure joy! He loves me! He is delighted when I do things to bring Him glory, but He delights when I do those things out of an overflow of LOVE FOR HIM.

So, back to that spiritual retreat. This week when I was going through the love chapter again, I realized that yes, it is important to love others so that my words are received with love and so that I am just automatically patient and kind to them. But loving my neighbors is not the end. It's not the means either. Love for God is everything. If I am not IN LOVE with my Jesus, and I move mountains and speak in tongues and all that, if I do those things without really being IN LOVE WITH JESUS, I am nothing. It finally makes sense to me. 

The greatest commandment is to LOVE GOD. That's it. Be in love. 

Now, I will say, I get this in my head, but it is not really happening all the way in my life. So today I am going to run hard core after falling in love with Jesus. I am probably going to mess up. But that is ok. Right now I am running. 

 *(Ok, so like I always think, "Jesus died because He loved the Father so much and he wanted to please the Father. He did it for the glory of God. While that is true, it is also true that Jesus is so completely in love with his children that he is pleased to be our deliverer! Jesus died because he loves me! It's true! )

Desperate

This morning I woke up desperate for Jesus. 

I have a bit of a cold. It could be because I felt yucky. I was feeling a bit rushed about taking my World Literature test. It might have been that. Saturday I had a really intense conversation with my boss about God and the way He works in the world. When I woke up all I could think was, "God, please save Ben!" I think that had a lot to do with it. 

I don't know what caused all of the blaness. But I'll tell you what I did about it.

I made some coffee and sat down at the kitchen table and cracked open my new journal that Brittany gave me for my birthday (When I write in my journal, it is usually a prayer to God, and that is what I did today).

      I told God that I refused to let my situation affect my joy. Usually when I have more things to do than time to do them, I get really stressed out and irritated with my lack of discipline. But not today. I was unable to change my situation, so I just thought about how I should act in the moment. I reached over, picked up my cross, looked for Jesus,  and started walking towards him. 

I can't say that I read a little piece of Scripture that changed my whole mood, or that I heard a word from God, or even that I felt his love so heavy or anything like that. I did not feel better about the fact that Ben is still lost and hates the things of God, or that I was not going to finish my reading for English, or even feel better physically. Nothing about my situation changed at all. Nothing. 

Except for one little thing. I decided to not dwell on my situation, but to dwell on the reality of the world in which I live. I continued to walk through the day with that cross on my back, the weight of it reminded me of the mission that I am on.

And what a difference that weight made! A fellow brother, Mark, called me up a while later and asked me if I would help him move some furniture  for an older lady that lives in our apartment complex so that he could paint for her. My flesh was like, "dude, you have to do your homework! No, say no!" But then I remembered the cross that I am carrying and said, "Yah, when do you need me to help?"

The reason that I said yes is not because I wanted to earn more brownie points with God. I did not do it because I didn't want to let my friend down. I did it because I wanted to look like the Body of Christ to the people in Meadowood. 

And hey, maybe nobody in Meadowood will ever know how Mark and I looked like Jesus today. That's ok. We were faithful. And if we continue to look like the Body all of the time, then when people look at us, they will have to see Jesus.

Dancing to the beat of frogs

Last night my friend Eva texted me and told me that she wanted to go on an adventure. We came up with two ideas...a moonlit hike or midnight bocci ball. We decided that bocci ball would be the most fun so we found a friend who had a set of balls and off we went.....but first, we had to get dressed up for the occasion

we felt so beautiful! Then we convinced my roommate Lor to join us in the madness and we were for  reals ready to go!

We got into a bit of mischief as we walked to the park. We took this picture in someone's driveway just as they were pulling in. :)

It's a good thing that I randomly grabbed a tape measure to clip to my belt. We had a couple of close calls. 

(Mine was the yellow...and it was the closest).

The game continued and we had a lot of fun just enjoying life together. It was good to just be silly for a while. I think that God likes to watch his daughters being silly and laughing and not taking themselves so seriously.

humble pie

I feasted on humble pie this week. 

My family came to visit and God taught me so much through it. Ok, so I was so exhausted while they were here, and all I wanted to do was cry. I was trying to do the things that I have committed to and still spend time with my family all while pleasing every single person. I had to skip out on some ministry stuff that I had committed to and at other times I had to work or decided that a certain ministry was more important than the time with my family. 

So, in all of this, I had to say no to a few people, and it totally messed me up. I am totally a people pleaser. But this pride issue comes from a deeper sin: Hubris.

I so badly feel the need to be perfect that I stress out when I mess up.  

This is what God taught me through my family this week...

It is exhausting trying to be perfect all the time. 

When I am around my friends and roommates and the Church body, I am pretty good at faking perfection. Like, I can hide my sin pretty well, and let the "good stuff" show. It is pretty tiring, but I can handle it for a while longer. But when I am with my family, it is really hard for me to be perfect all the time because they know me so well. 

I was exhausted this week (physically, mentally, and spiritually) because I was trying to will myself to do something that God is not asking me to do. And dude, why should I wear myself out trying to be be perfect when there is freedom in letting God's grace manifest itself in my life. 

So know I am going to ask God to give me the grace to let my imperfections show through. 

(New post later about how our ideas of perfection kill the Church).

Meet my neighbors!

Roshni and Perjue

I am so lucky to get to live near these guys!

The Father's love

The Father loves me. And He loves to show me His grace.

On Sunday, I was working a birthday party and the most beautiful, bitter-sweet thing happened. We were all playing a game and one little boy accidentally got a bit too rough and hurt his little sister. When he realized what he had done, he immediately ran to his dad.

The dad said, "Son, you are not perfect. It is ok. You are going to mess up in life. Get back out there and finish the game."

But the son could not get over what he had done. 

The father forgave his son for hurting his daughter. The father did not linger on the fact or even bring it up beyond telling the son that he has been forgiven for it. But the little boy was so consumed by his feelings of guilt that he refused to get back into the game. He wanted to undo what he had done and make amends for it somehow. His guilt paralyzed him and he sat and watched for the rest of the game.

So often, I find myself as the little boy. When I do something wrong, I freak out and run to the Father. I love being in the embracing arms of God, but sometimes I am too prideful to accept His forgiveness. It is too good to be true. Can I really just get back into the game? Is it really ok to forget what I have done, allow the Father to pay for my wrong, and start playing again?

It is more than ok. 

The Father is delighted when we accept the forgiveness that cost Him so much. And He wants us to get back into the "game." That's the reason that we are still here on this earth. 

Hi my name is Frank.

Let me be frank. I have been doing a lot of good things lately. Like, can honestly say that 

I have been very focussed on the gospel mission lately. Every day when I wake up, that is what 

is on my mind. I have been hanging out with my neighbors, planned a pool party to get the proclaiming 

believers together to form some kind of community. There are honestly very few moments in my 

day that are not purposeful. Even now, as I am writing this blog, the purpose is for the body that 

is far away from me to be able to see that I am being faithful here so that you guys can send me 

out confidently.

Ok, but you cannot stop reading now. If you do, you will miss the point. I am not saying all of 

these things to boast. I am saying them for the opposite reason actually. You see, for me, when 

I think that it is me doing all of this stuff, I loose perspective. When I think that it is me doing these things, rather than the Holy Spirit graciously doing these things through me, when I forget that it really is just Him using me to accomplish His work, I get arrogant. And that is so not ok. Because when that happens, I miss the whole point. And when I make it about me, I think other people might miss the point too. 

     But that is not to say that effort is bad. I think that we can say that doing is Biblical. When God calls us to do something (like make disciples and teach them to obey), we sure as heck better do it! That is sometimes called being faithful (When the people in Jesus' day thought of being faithful, they did not think of people who knew a lot about God or who could talk about spiritual things. That would not have even crossed their minds. For them, faithfulness by definition included action.).

     All of that to say, I think that I am starting to live in the reality of one of the seeming dualities of the New Testament. Like, when Paul so often talks about toiling with all of his strength for the sake of the gospel, yet it is not he who does it, but the power of God through him, that is what I am stumbling into. It is wierd, and I have to be careful not to believe the many lies that are being thrown at me to confuse me, but I think that this is right. All I know is that I love God so much, and I am trying to love him with my life by living for Him and not for myself (ooooh. If I were to die today, I do not want to regret all of the efforts that I spent on myself).