running after love

This is just me processing through some stuff. Take it or leave it. But if you leave it, go fall in love with Jesus all over again.

I took a class on I Corinthians last semester, and we had to do a spiritual retreat, meditating on I Corinthians chapter 13. We had a few questions to guide us as we meditated on the love chapter. During the retreat I was thinking so much about how I could love others better. I thought about my roommates and how I am not always patient and kind with them. Sometimes I get irritated and resentful. I realized that no matter how true my words of encouragement or rebuke may be, if I am not loving my sisters, the words that I say are received like a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.

So, yah, the retreat made me realize how little I love my neighbors (and especially my roommates). 

This weekend Monique and I went to a conference, and the style of the services were... well, ....let's just say that it was a little bit different than what I am used to. Ok, I'm just going to say it because I feel like its necessary. Ok, the services were very charismatic. Like, very. I was going through a  bit of culture shock and a bit of I'm-a-Bible-college-student-and-I-don't-do-this-therefore-it-is-wrong kind of pride.  

For two days I sat there at the conference reading and re-reading scripture and praying for God to show me the truth. Honestly, I wanted to find in my Bible where it says that they were wrong so that I could go home and not change anything that I am doing. I wanted to go home having proven a whole bunch of people wrong. I wanted to leave a little bit more confident in my theology. I did not want to let God out of the box that I have built around Him. 

Ok, so I am a Bible college student. Big deal. I do not have it all right. Back to the story: I was reading and praying and reading and praying. And pouting. I am so thankful for Monique. She was like, "Bethany, what the heck is wrong with you?" 

Ugh, I started to cave in. I can deceive myself a lot more easily than I can deceive her. I kept telling myself that I was right and that I should just keep doing the Christian things that I know are right. But she was like, "Bethany, I think that you just need to let go and open up your heart to God."

AHHH! That is the last thing that I wanted to do! When you let go, it is a lot easier to fall down. God is dangerous. And unpredictable. I like systematic theology. And quiet times in the morning. And praying for my neighbors. I like control. If I give up control to God, how will I know what is going to happen? How will I plan out every second of my life? 

As we were driving back to our campsite the second night, I did not say a word. God had just hit the chisel into my heart and it was beginning to crack open. 

I am so scared of messing up that I just go around in life on my tip-toes. If I just tip-toe around just in case I fall so that it will not hurt as bad as it would if I were running full speed. But Jesus did not die so that I would have to tip-toe around, trying not to disturb Him in His glory. But Jesus did not die so that I would have to run around full blast either. It is hard to run hard all the time (hello 3 years of cross country!) Jesus did not die so that I would run around recklessly trying to accomplish good things for him. No, Jesus died because He loves me.*   He is not a strict cross country coach forcing me to run run run at full blast, but rather a LOVING Father who delights when I run around in the back yard out of pure joy! He loves me! He is delighted when I do things to bring Him glory, but He delights when I do those things out of an overflow of LOVE FOR HIM.

So, back to that spiritual retreat. This week when I was going through the love chapter again, I realized that yes, it is important to love others so that my words are received with love and so that I am just automatically patient and kind to them. But loving my neighbors is not the end. It's not the means either. Love for God is everything. If I am not IN LOVE with my Jesus, and I move mountains and speak in tongues and all that, if I do those things without really being IN LOVE WITH JESUS, I am nothing. It finally makes sense to me. 

The greatest commandment is to LOVE GOD. That's it. Be in love. 

Now, I will say, I get this in my head, but it is not really happening all the way in my life. So today I am going to run hard core after falling in love with Jesus. I am probably going to mess up. But that is ok. Right now I am running. 

 *(Ok, so like I always think, "Jesus died because He loved the Father so much and he wanted to please the Father. He did it for the glory of God. While that is true, it is also true that Jesus is so completely in love with his children that he is pleased to be our deliverer! Jesus died because he loves me! It's true! )